welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
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My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Milk Cube
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.