Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
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ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
definitely did not do anything wrong
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.