[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
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*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo