My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

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The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.


Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.


I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich


TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it


I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.


Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks


I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.


My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample



Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.