@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

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@CatsVsHumanity

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

@notalogin

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

@don_haworth

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

@WritePlay

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

@omgshuddup

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

@Chhapiness

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

@Clanopath

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

@TechnicallyRon

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

@zachary_lampley

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.