My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

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My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”


this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over


People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.


My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.


*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid


Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.


I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.


Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.