@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

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@itsmebeegee07

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

@YourMomsucksTho

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

@_davidlucas_

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

@DrunjAF

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

@gracecamille_

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

@Marcmywords2

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

@Social_Mime

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

@Dani_Feld

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.