burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
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I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that