i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
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One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
The prophecy is fulfilled
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Said the murderer.
*lint rolls you awake*
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Worth remembering.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
That was easy.