In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
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coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide