[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
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Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.