Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
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In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
⛄️
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
shit, they caught us—run!!!
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.