eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
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The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Y’all ready for this
oh ffs josh did you not read the email