I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
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I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
awkward
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭