ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
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Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.