One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
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Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand