[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
You Might Also Like
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Challenge accepted.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.