[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
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This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Beauty and the Beast
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.