Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
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Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Siri, fight Alexa.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
The old gods are rising again.