@fro_vo

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

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@UncleDuke1969

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

@Sanbel11

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

@SteveSuckington

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

@Rollinintheseat

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

@SteveKoehler22

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

@GrantTanaka

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

@deardilettante

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?