Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
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Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.