Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
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it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.