it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
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A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
i want to work in this restaurant
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?