I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
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Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders