There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
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Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance