this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
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Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.