Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
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Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]