Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
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they finally got him. they got macavity
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools