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Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow