“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
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What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.