I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
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Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..