My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
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My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.