Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
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I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]