I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
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My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Me too door. Me too.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.