@urmumsausername
@LindaInDisguise Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
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@LindaInDisguise 
@RyanHolmquist Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
@antsimpson “Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
@anbrll00 Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
@dumbbeezie He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
@shaun__gunner Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
@Michabean Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
@mrjohndarby That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
@ThisOneSayz Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
@daemonic3 “Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines