I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.