Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@bradboyqld

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

@blade_funner

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

@AmishPornStar1

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

@mikescollins

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

@Marlebean

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

@Marlebean

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

@MumInBits

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

@IamEnidColeslaw

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

@NoorShamma

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is