I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

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Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.


Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then


“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”


Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.


He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days


Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!


Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.


That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him


Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.


“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines