@urmumsausername

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

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@LindaInDisguise

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

@RyanHolmquist

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

@antsimpson

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

@anbrll00

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

@dumbbeezie

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

@shaun__gunner

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

@Michabean

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

@mrjohndarby

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

@ThisOneSayz

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

@daemonic3

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines