Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door