Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
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Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
My dating profile:
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved