Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
You Might Also Like
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end