My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
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me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
i smell a pulitzer
Ion see the issue
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh