before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
You Might Also Like
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away