[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
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Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Bruh PLEASE
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!