Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
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According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I didn’t come here to be called names
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter