As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
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Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME