So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
You Might Also Like
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
philosophical skeletons be like
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
yeah 😭
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
accurate
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no