I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
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Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.