I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
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Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me