Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
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*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
every. time.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.