When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
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Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…