Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
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If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
groan^2
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Meanwhile in Canada…
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”