Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
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good let them take over I have had enough
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.