Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
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Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Who.
Did.
This?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.