“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol