Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

Erm I’m gonna say no

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.