“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
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Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.