They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
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Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
tourist season
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.