Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
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Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.